A letter is being written for you. 10/26

Written in draft form, why?
Because I know not what else to do?

It is as cold here, in draft, as it is in my heart.
My body chilled, by your absence.
My mind numb, not understanding.

Perhaps I write to heal myself...
It’s the not knowing...
The emptiness...the pages... barren.

I have written...
No response..
I get upset.
I get angry!!
And believe it or not...
I then feel guilty, for the anger I feel!

Not understanding, I've tried...
Truly I have.

God, baby...
I sit and wonder!

How could you sit and read my letters...
Knowing, my pain...
Yet, you let me linger here!!
You once said, "I will not be responsible for your tears"
Well, baby!
You were not then, but you are now!
I need to know WHY?
You came close, closer, I let you in...
DEEP! farther then anyone....
You said, "You'd never hurt me on purpose!"
I ask then,"what is this?"
Knowing, or do you?
That on the other side of this stupid PC.
Is ............ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not cyber babe babe... a chip... a machine!

My anger SCREAMS, go to hell!!
You beast!! how could you play with some ones heart & soul!!

How could you!!
How could you!!! It’s me.......

Give me closure..... give me peace.

The words we spoke.
The letters sent.
The giggles, the late night LOL's...

Starting as friends... and then ...
I question myself....
perhaps I am naive...

Should I have realized...
Should I have seen...

You shared so much with me...
You life, desires, fears....
Past and present dreams...

I thought these true...
I thought you true....

I thought.... I shared.......I let you in
Think back, Baby...

From you I asked for one thing.
The "promise"

were these just words...
Cyber static......

Why does my heart say "no"
I know him to well...
He may be rough, but not cruel.

I am not blind, not fragile!
My mom didn’t raise a fool!
Fully grown! Too your “big boy” reaction!
Not naive. I thought you true!
Or I'd never have let you in!
It was my soul that told me to!
DAMN ME!
I will not crumble and turn to dust!
If you remember...I am a survivor!

You know me well, but only half.
Don’t you wonder, I know I do...
"Of the moment of truth in your eyes"
I cant believe all things said and felt, so easily abandoned....

"Needing to know, what has changed...in you/your life...for this reaction"

I am much like you... damn you, you know this!
Like a bull.
Can take the life’s crap...
And kick it back in the butt!
And still............. survive.

Lesson learned!
Stronger for it too!

Tell me baby...
Are you my lesson?
Are you my teacher,
Of "****"' life’s lesson"

Remember ****,
above all.. trust no one.
Friend by word, by heart!
Even by soul.

Lesson learned..."information absorbed unwilling"

I will, knowing now what I do!
Never be able to love another as I did you!
Wether you know/believe it or not!
soulmates have only one other half...

...you are, and always will be this.....
...you have no say, our souls know this...

All other will never compare...

True one day, who knows, I might be happy.
But, I will never love.
Yes, love......
not to the depth I know it contains!
Never again!!!!!!!!

Lesson learned!!

The pain perhaps it will lessen......
The scar forever will remain....

" Wondering... if the "soulmate theory" true....
...does this mean one day.........
...or once lanced..... to bleed for life...
...or is it ...that I believe alone...

...or is it this.........

if you love someone....
set them free...
if they come back to you, yours.
If not, they never were ??????????????????????????????


!@$%^&*()_)()(&^%$##@!#$^&**()__:) :) ;) :P *** LOL!!
10/28

This was written in my journal yesterday....
You had said once you'd love to read them...
I thought I'd let you in...deeper...

Still...
the first thing on my mind when I wake.
The last thing on my mind before I sleep.
A soft smile passes my lips/warm thoughts/giggles...

I pause... pray you’re okay....
and your reading this...healthy and strong!!!
(My 6th, stings......................................)

A tear, falls...
I wipe it away...
Place a stone in the wall
where my emotions, try to run free.
Hold it back, tuck it away....
Numb it....

Don’t ask me why... I am compelled to write.
Perhaps, as I said to begin healing.................whew!
Why, in my journal? I do know this it doesn’t buzz, tic, humm...
Show me empty pages.( As I type this I am thinking rambling's of a mad woman...LOL!! :))
I don’t have to wait to peer at a at a window...
Hoping you turn a shade of blue, "ut oh"...messages...
I don’t believe in ghost any more, once yes....but no more...
Here my soul can reach out through my words...
Receiver up.... ESP...LOL!!! ;)!!!
Hmmm, I shake my head {crazy bitch}

Linger on thoughts...
...

On the radio...
Edward Mc Cains..." I'll be..."

"Tell me that we belong together,
dress it up, with the trappings of love."
I'll be your crying shoulder...
....... your love suicide,
.......better when I'm older,
.......the greatest fan of your life.
Rain fall angry on the tin roof, as we lye awake in my bed....
"you’re my survival, my life’s living proof, my love is a live and not dead...
" I'll hang from you lips"
"Stare at the gallows of heart ache that hang from above"
"I remember the things the you said...."
***pieces, not in order***

Then ...hmmm... this song...
"Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls....

"In a world where things are meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am"

Hmmmm... why is it that the radio plays all my favorites.. when I am thinking of you..
Plays all the heart wrenching songs that pull at my soul, then songs that pull it back to peace with faith close behind....

They play me, as I wish you would..
Emotional turbulent... soul satisfying....
{{{ Grin}}}}...!!! LOL!!!

Why do I write...
I am compelled....
by.............
you, you shit!! LOL!
I sit and scribble, write and doodle...passing the early moments of the morning quietly...

Sitting on the counter in the kitchen, journal, resting on my knees....sometimes writing faster then my hands can move accurately, mind races...

I know my last note said I give up...This is anger, cross words, frustration!!!

That comes from all this.........yuk!! Tired of explaining it! I know what it is, so does he!!

"how does he, I cant!!"
"How do you give up, walk away from some one you love.(?)"

HOW? I can’t...just can’t....

Baby, come to me...
heal me...

Explain this to me...

or just give me closure, peace.

( As I type, a tear builds, wipe it, set a tone...numb it...go on!)

I think to myself how unfair, unjust, it is to leave with no words!
I would never... hurt him in this way.....never!

I will ramble a moment longer then go...

Believing in my heart...that you know ......(wipe, place, numb)

Last part of the entry for the day... lots to do...same crap different day...sheepish grin...

My thoughts...that you have fallen in love...

If you know me as well as you should, damn after 1 year and a half ...
I wish you all the happiness life can give...
I love you enough, too...nuff said...

perhaps that’s why the silence exist...


I can and do!!! understand this...heal me, give me peace...unconditional, for life

PSS...Not wanting you to think of me as some ...
don’t know how to put it...

You are my only vulnerable spot...
The only one who can bring this woman to her knees...

HEY HEY NOW!!! that’s not what I meant! :)

If there is one thing about me you remember ****, I am!! FULL OF EMOTIONS !!! about all and always................

I am mailing this... hmmm.... who knows? :)

in my thoughts...dreams...heart...soul!! (you shit LOL!!! :) )

***

P.S.... LOL teasing' I am letting you go! be well!!! :)